I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
