Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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