Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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