please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
