I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Sorry about my life...
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
