remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
