that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
