sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
