No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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