I looked at my own cervix.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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