next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
