I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
