omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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