Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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