My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Randomize
