The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
