he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
