So drunk, too bad you don't want this
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
Randomize
