her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Randomize
