shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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