i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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