I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
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