you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
And then my night got REAL pukey
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
