it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
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