apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I just want nice things and good sex
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
Randomize
