i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
