how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
