Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
