You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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