Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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