So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
