Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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