he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
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