Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
