First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
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