I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Currently listening to 'Just Put it in Your Mouth.' remember when i went through that phase?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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