Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
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