i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Randomize
