Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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