i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
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