you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
