there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
