I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
