The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
