I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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