I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
