I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Randomize
