I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Randomize
