Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
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