I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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