Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
