this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Randomize
