i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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