Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
Drunk is a universal language darling
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