forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell
my version of bright and sunny.
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
