Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize