I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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