I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
