You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
