you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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