Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
What did you even date her?
because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
