I'm going to jail i love you
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Randomize