Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Eric and I just went in the hallway to practice our new handshake in a real life situation at live speeds. That high.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
