It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
