I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
My liver is preforming stress tests.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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