she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
